Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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