I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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