the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
