Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
