I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
