Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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