So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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