I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
