I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
