you would pick up someone in the library
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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