is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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