You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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