Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
