my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
