And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
