can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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