is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The best revenge is premature balding
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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