Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
