so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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