God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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