listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
