I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
