My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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