the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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