Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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