Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
