Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
