why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
