I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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