Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
