We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
