she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
