I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
