After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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