so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm passing your future prison.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
