My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
