woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
