My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
