He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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