listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I love you.
Bad choice
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