things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
