Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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