Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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