You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
His hands were made for my vagina.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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