I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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