Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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