The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
