I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
