after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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