does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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