i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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