Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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