In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
