The maid of honor just puked.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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