$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
