i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My life is pants optional.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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