So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
