shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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