The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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