If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
