she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
