I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
